Most of us have Addictions of some kind. For myself, I experienced the need to self medicate from a very young age. Sugar as a child, then Cannabis and other drugs as a young adult. How did active addiction to substances affect my ability to function and prosper in my life? The true measure of that could be something I will never be able to tally up. However, I can see what I have created and manifested during the ‘cleaner’ years, when applying myself and being dedicated to what is in my heart, rather than zapping my energy and brain with anaesthetising sustances.
How my life has changed on the 13th Year Anniversary from a 19 Year Addiction 🙏
Posted by Ixchel Massage & Kinesiolgy on Monday, 31 December 2018
Hi Everyone, its Victoria, I have been going through a very challenging time in my life anyone that knows me will know why that is. So I have been keeping myself quite quiet, but yesterday I was sitting with a friend and we were planning our business and lives for 2019. We sat there and I was looking at the date and I suddenly thought wow, today it is 13 years since I gave up an addiction that had run my life and had started when I was about 16 years old. In a way, my business and everything I do was born from having that addiction and I had that addiction because I did not know how to take care of myself. So I spent years of my life suffocating feelings and trying to self medicate from pain, although some of the time it was about having fun. It was an addiction that at times I enjoyed, but I have no question that over the years it sabotaged so much of my potential, vitality and energy that I could have had. I believed it was something like a reward or something that I needed to do to be able to cope with life.
Firstly I want to congratulate myself on 13 years of not having to use that substance. It does not mean that there are not other things in my life that at times I might pick up to help me. But overall this was the most damaging thing that I did.
Why did I stop 13 years ago? I stopped because I wanted a fresh start, I was given an opportunity to have a new home and an opportunity to really make the best of my life and that was motivation enough at the time to put down what I was using. I hit a real rock bottom 13 years ago where I realised that I actually felt very powerless about stopping using this substance. I wanted to stop many times, but could not. So it was a very strange time. One of the reasons it was very difficult was because it was in my environment, it was around me a lot. I was around a lot of people who were doing it. So it was very difficult to stop. It was actually my partner who in the end made it clear that it was no good for me. So I said if he wanted me to stop then I needed to not have it around me at all.
What was my rock bottom about? It was the effect on relationships around me, my energy, my ability to prosper and to actually create things in my life. It affected my ability to be a good mother. It held me back from success. It affected the way my brain worked in every aspect of my life.
So since I have been sober from that for 13 years, what have I done? How did sobriety turn my life around? Well, the first year or so was very much just one day at a time not needing to do what I had done for years. Not needing to use a substance to change the way I felt, then very very quickly after that I set up a business that became successful. I then started studying for a degree and from this, I kept building on what I was doing. It became more and more clear to me that all those years when I had been using substances I had also been suppressing my power. Almost lunching out on what I was capable of doing because I was killing so much of my energy.
Starting a successful business was something I had always wanted to do. I had wanted to share a lot of the journey I had been on. It was not something I ever felt I could do as long as I was still living in active addiction to substances. I had done a qualification about 20 years ago, however, I never felt fit to use it while I was using substances and actively serving the addiction.
Once I had managed to stop using the substance, slowly I began to focus on all the things I did like about myself, and the things I did like doing started to become priorities for me.
One of the things I also had to do to build the good stuff in my life, as I had to let go of a lot of people and friends. However, I met new people, new friends and contacts. People who filled the bucket of being more around sobriety rather than being around people using which would always bring me back in.
I am now 13 years on going through a very difficult period in my life. We all have challenges and I have one right now, but the joy in my heart and something that I am so proud of is whereas in the past when I went through such incredible trauma or grief, or loss, or the breakdown of a relationship, I always needed to pick up a substance to try and self-medicate and ease the pain; because I literally could not cope with the feelings. I did not have the support, nowadays, I do not need to do that. One day at a time at the moment, I am going through an experience that I never ever wanted to go through, but the joy in my heart is that I do not need to do what I used to do in the past to cope with going through such a time. It is very Interesting in terms of my work because of what I do with other people who come to me. We have to walk our talk and for me, everything within Ixchel Therapies has been about sharing the tools that I have learnt that I need to use. If I am doing something regularly now, then it will be something that helps me and heals me. Something that is good for me and empowers me, rather than something that diminishes my energy and effects the way I use my brain and generally makes me not a great person to be around.
Yesterday when I was sitting and planning my year for 2019. When I was planning what I will be building and what I can continue to create, it was really important to me to look back and see the success that I have in my life and to know that I have created in my life and to believe that with the power of what I have done in the last 13 years that I will be able to recreate and do that again but in a different way.
So 13 years of sobriety, it does not mean that there are not other things in my life where I need to really continue to look one day at a time at exactly how I live my life and how I am in relation to substances or to people, or more than anything into the relationship I have with myself which is something that I am really looking at right now. Self-Love Versus addiction. How do we actually learn to love ourselves? Maybe if when I had been 16 years old, there was a very difficult suicide around me, maybe if I had had support then I would not have needed to self-medicate. Again in my 20’s when there was another suicide around me perhaps I would not have needed to self-medicate if I had had the right support. Or if I had had the right tools. Also like now in a relationship that is breaking down, in the past if I had had the right tools to care for myself at such times many years ago, I would have made many different choices. However, everything I have in my life right now is a godsend. I have two beautiful children, I have a great business and I am free of an addiction that really got in the way and sabotaged so much that I believe especially in my 20’s I could have created for myself.
So I am going to share much more hopefully in the coming days and weeks about how do we let go of things that are not good for us.
Actually, for so many people at this time of year, there is this whole thing about new years resolutions and what we are not going to do anymore. All of that kind of thing, but it is so easy to say, but how do you actually do it? If we use something to make ourselves feel good, to self-medicate because we can not deal with our feelings, we can’t sit with a relationship in our life or a circumstance in our life. If we are using things to self-soothe then how do we actually do things differently? What tools do we need when we have that list of New Years Resolutions. It is so easy to say I am not going to do this, but how do we actually make that happen?
I think I am qualified, having been able to put down a very very major 19-year addiction. After 13 years I think I am qualified to look back and look at all the different ways I have used to do that. It is very much something that I want to share with people.
So congratulations to me at being 13 years clean. Thank you for being there with me on my journey if you are someone who has known me at all during that time or even before then.
I will be sharing more. I started doing a lot of videos in September, and I was feeling really great about that and then something happened which then made me feel really exposed about going public or about saying anything on video. I am still going through that process so I dod not know what I will be doing. There are days when I do feel happy to do this and some days when I am not. Overall I am working towards doing a lot more of this and sharing and hopefully interacting with people. I have some really exciting things that I am looking forward to creating in the next year or two. Whilst also trying to be really patient with me and not put myself under too much pressure because it is actually when we do that, that then we do not necessarily have the resources to take care of ourselves, and my priority right now is to take care of me, so that then I can, in the long run, offer the best.
So Happy New Year Everyone and hopefully I will be back with a couple more videos this week. If not have a great 2019 and I will see you soon.